Random Acts of Boredom, or Crow Reviews a TV Show

The Ghost in the Machine
Father Brown

Review by Crow Carpenter

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Note from Julie: Sometimes Crow watches television and I watch him watching television. Sometimes I'm bored enough to take pictures and videos of him watching videos. This is how I've been affected by isolation. It could be worse. Uncle Morty is trying to learn the bagpipes and Jarad was last seen wrestling a large vine and calling for a machete. On the other hand, if you are taking the time to read this maybe you shouldn't judge us. Anyhoo...here's how Crow felt about the story of a haunted painting, a love story gone wrong, and a secret underground tunnel.

Synopsis of "The Ghost in the Machine" - Charlotte McKinley believes she is being haunted by her dead sister, Elspeth - who disappeared nearly a decade ago. Some of the family believe that Charlotte's husband, Victor, is responsible.  Charlotte decides that an exorcism is the only way to get rid of the ghost and calls on Father Brown to come to the family home.  Brown reminds Charlotte that no one has ever found the body and that perhaps Elspeth is alive. He does not believe in ghosts and instead of an exorcism, he proceeds with a blessing and an attempt to solve the mystery. Crow watched the entire episode. Here are his takeaways.

List of Things I Didn't Like - by Crow

• Stories about haunted houses that aren't actually haunted. I was disappointed that this house wasn't actually haunted. Most houses are haunted by the way, and humans are too stupid to see it. You know that thing where we stare into space, freak out, and run. And you laugh and say,  "Silly cat, there's nothing there?"  Wrong. There is something there. Always. And it ain't good.
• The Exorcism. Father Brown refused to do an exorcism and went to a blessing instead. See the above commentary. Just go straight to the exorcism every time - even if you think you don't need one. It can't hurt. Okay, it can hurt if it goes wrong. But seriously, if your house is haunted enough for an exorcism to go badly wrong...you might as well figure that out sooner rather than later.  See what you're up against.  Do the exorcism. Just do it.
• The haunted painting.  The only thing in the episode that turned out to be actually haunted was the painting.  Probably but maybe not. And that's a whole other complaint that I'm not going to have time to get around to. So in this story, if there was a ghost, the only thing the ghost might have actually done was fling a painting around. Once. Real ghosts have better and more sinister things to do.  For instance, screw with the plumbing and carry off one sock from every pair.  Also, you know how you can eat only one meal at home and all the dishes are dirty anyway? Yep. You guessed it.  Ghosts.
• The underground tunnel with no way out.  Okay. I didn't really mind the concept. But what kind of weirdo goes into an underground tunnel without mentioning it to anyone else? Much less three weirdos? Let me just make this clear. If you find a secret underground tunnel and decide to explore, leave someone a text message. Give them a call. Pop into the kitchen and say, "Guys, I'm heading into a secret underground tunnel and if I disappear, one of you should probably come looking for me. Here's the address." I mean...I would think only dogs are this naive.
• The hidden treasure. I'm of two minds about this. Firstly, humans are weird because they collect hard, shiny objects that you can't eat or even comfortably nap on. So treasure is always a no go for me. On the other hand, I hear it can be sold and exchanged for large quantities of tuna and feather soft cat beds. If we can make that happen, I will be more excited about "treasure."
• There were no cats. This story is set in a series of very old churches and estates, bound to be riddled with rodents and nary a single cat did I see. Not even one roaming around in the background. Opportunity lost. I faithfully hate watch this show with my humans and I would like to see more cats.
• The funeral. A perfectly happy looking skeleton with an entire tunnel as a residence was cruelly locked into a tiny box and shifted underground.  There was a ceremony for this undertaking. Uncle Morty says this is a human tradition, but nevertheless, I find it meaningless.

That's my review? When do I get paid?

Crow Carpenter was found under bush near the Sacred Chickens Farm in 2013. He demanded to be taken to the residence, fed, and catered to.  This was done though never quite to his satisfaction. His hobbies include training his humans, fighting with his brother, Brutus, and jumping at the window to frighten birds. He was the artist's model for the book Things Get Weird in Whistlestop.

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