Ask Uncle Morty
by Uncle Mortimer
Dear Uncle Morty,
I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month now and he’s asked me to be exclusive. He’s almost too perfect. He’s tall, handsome, and rich. He’s a smooth dresser. We go to exclusive clubs and restaurants. So, what’s the problem? We only go out at night. Not in the evening but after dark.
I’ve tried to make a lunch dates with him and he always comes up with some lame excuse. I’ve asked him to Sunday dinner at my mom’s house. But he always says he has to work or he’s at the gym. I even offered to meet him close to his fitness club, but he seems squirrelly about it. The other weird thing is I’ve invited him to my house, and he asked me I had a mirror. Says they kind of skeeve him out because he thinks mirrors encourage vanity or some nonsense. I really like this guy and I’d love to move forward in the relationship. Sometimes he says stuff that makes me think he’s ready to commit to something more serious too, but I don’t know. Do you think he’s seeing someone else during the day and I’m his nighttime squeeze? What’s up with this guy?
Dating the Night Stalker
You, my poppet, are dating a vampire. The signs are all there. He probably does really like you but he’s nervous about letting you know. Relationships between the undead and the living are tricky at best. There are obstacles. The good news is that love can overcome the obstacles, but it’s going to take time, effort, and maybe even therapy. (Be careful, not every therapist is equipped to deal with the complexities of dating the existentially challenged.)
First and foremost, if you decide that you want to move forward in the relationship, you need to bring it forthrightly next time the two of you go out. If you tell him before the date that you need to talk about something important, he will probably know exactly what you want to discuss. So be gentle and let him know that you want to move forward. It will probably be a relief for him to finally be able to open up. Make sure you listen more than you talk and let him know you understand that, just like in any relationship, there will be adjustments.
Secondly, there are the practical matters. It may seem rude to ask, but if you are going to be together, you need to know how and what he eats. In this day and age, there are plenty of non-predatory options for nourishment for those that have this condition, especially in urban areas. I assume that you’ve never seen him attack anyone in a dark alley for instance. Feel him out about this though. There are still a few old-style vampires left and I don’t think I have to tell you that it could be a real problem – legally if nothing else.
Beyond that you have some other issues to consider. Remember there’s not much way around the fact that you will have to meet at night. He will sleep during the day and the two of you will socialize only at night. This is the main difficulty in having a relationship with a vampire and it’s a big one. How will your mother feel about having your significant other over for a family dinner only after daylight hours? How about Christmas dinners? You have to ask yourself whether this will be a source of conflict. One of my very best friends is a vampire – she’s a delight –
and she’s why each year I hold my famous Thanksgiving feast every year at midnight. We must all negotiate accommodations for those we love. You will also need to press him about your time with others. There may be nights that you want to hang out with your friends and leave him home watching Netflix. There are some very famous vampire/human relationships in which the undead partner is overly possessive.
There are other things you will have to negotiate. Having mirrors in your home, for instance, can be considered on a case by case basis. Some vampires complain about psychic or even physical pain that occurs when they see the reflected light from a mirror. However, many vampires object to being around mirrors only when others who aren’t privy to their condition are around. Because they aren’t reflected in mirrors, they reject them simply on the grounds that others may notice, and they may not be ready to reveal their condition. So, having a mirror in your own house may or may not be objectionable to your boyfriend. (On another note, many vampires now use digital cameras to groom themselves – if you’re wondering how he keeps such an immaculate appearance. Modern cameras use neither mirrors nor silver to capture images and as such you will be able to take selfies together and post on Instagram, etc.). But you will have to consider things like making food without garlic and making sure you don’t have religious artifacts around. Can you negotiate these twists and turns? Of course, but you need to be aware of them right up front.
The other big decision that you may eventually have to work through is whether or not to become a vampire yourself. Ultimately, many vampires ask their partners to share the life of the undead. It can be a daunting decision to say the least. Many people don’t quite know what they’re getting into when they’re asked to leave daylight behind, not to mention the pain of watching the family and friends die as you continue to exist on this side of the veil. It is also a physically painful process, and one you can’t come back from. If you decide that you miss the sunlight after undergoing the transformation, you won’t have a lot of options. (Contrary to some current belief, the medical technology necessary for the undead to walk in sunlight is by no means easy or foolproof. This is something you can discuss with his doctor if he has one. And trust me…you will need the best of insurance and a good medical savings plan.) If you decide to go for it, you will almost certainly find that therapy from the moment you commit is the best policy.
He sounds wonderful and I wish you the best. Please keep old Uncle Morty updated on the situation!
Mortimer Richard Wolcott is, quite frankly, not very forthcoming with his bio. We're not even sure if that's his real name. His work during his previous embodiments is not something he'll willingly share. He also won't explain why he's currently assigned to the world of the living. His deathography is somewhat clear only from the point at which he showed up at Sacred Chickens Farm for a Halloween Party and never left. He is occasionally pressed into service to help write the blog and you can search the archives here for his wisdom. He claims that his large and various embodiments give him the wisdom to dispense advice. He enjoys hanging out with cats, the occasional cocktail, and dispensing sarcastic remarks to the living.